Finding someone to go out with you has never been easier. Before dating apps were invented, you had to go out into the world and just HOPE that you’d run into someone good-looking at the button factory or beg your father to choose the most attractive of your cousins to marry you. Nowadays we have the dating world at our fingertips. There’s Tindo and Bumber and Plenty of Cupids and GoMatch.org. There’s Wazoo and Grindle and so many more. You can connect and communicate with people without having to pick the grated cheese out of your hair or even get dressed.
But that doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing. God, no. With more choice comes more nonsense. In science this is known as the Choice–Nonsense Upward Correlation Spiral. Simply put, Choice x Nonsense + Having two glasses of wine at lunch = Matching with a man who doesn’t believe in evolution and possibly dying alone.
And so we need dating apps to do better. Because so often apps don’t take into account what we really need. It’s not enough in this day and age to let us choose how tall or how far away our potential date should be. We need more. We need everything. So here are ten totally flawless concepts for dating apps that I think we would all actually use.
An app where women talk first, and then second, and then really just forever after that
I’m calling this app Mumble, because it’s similar to Bumble, the app where men aren’t allowed to speak first. What’s different about Mumble is that men are actually never allowed to speak. It’s really just a space for you to be alone with your thoughts.
It’s tranquil. It’s calm. On Mumble, there’s nobody asking if you’ll send them pictures of your feet. You don’t get accused of only pretending to like a certain film or TV show to seem “cool.” There’s no getting called a bitch if you take more than two hours to reply to a message. Blissful, right?
An app that connects you directly with your match’s most reasonable ex
Why waste time “talking to” and “getting to know” your match when you could just ask their ex all of the questions you’re dying to get answers to? Do they ever get mean when they’re drunk? What was the best Valentine’s Day gift they ever got you? Will they roll their eyes at how long it’s taking for you to get ready, or will they go and wet your Beautyblender without complaint?
An app that uses the things you hate to generate potential partners
It seems like every dating app these days wants you to list a bunch of stuff you like doing and then use that information to connect you with people who also like doing that stuff. Well, I hate that. We need an app that will help you to meet people who hate all of the same stuff that you hate. I’m calling it Hatr until I think of a name I hate less. Dating app? More like hating app. Thanks!
An app that will show you what books your match really reads, not what books they pretend to read
You can learn a lot about a person from what they read and do not read, so how about an app that shows you your potential date’s entire bookshelf? A dude who has “feminist” in the bio, but on the shelf has three copies of The Da Vinci Code and no books by female authors? It’s a no from me, bro.
An app that will match you with partners based on your deeply held sitcom beliefs
For example, match only with people who agree that, Yes, Ross and Rachel were on a break, or, No, Jim from The Office is not more of a catch than Nick from New Girl. Do you think Ally McBeal should have ended up with Bon Jovi at the end of Season 5? Me too, bitch. Let’s get married.
An app that can match you with someone who looks 54 percent like Tom Selleck and 46 percent like Meryl Streep
Do you have a weird, unspoken celebrity crush? How about an app that can find you people who look just like them? A date with someone who has 98 percent facial similarity with controversial 37th president of the United States, Richard Milhous Nixon? Ding ding ding! Michael Cera at 41 percent similarity? I’ll take it. After four margaritas, it’ll feel like 100 percent anyway.
An app to help you avoid dating people who think tipping is optional
I, for one, am very tired of meeting perfectly nice-seeming people only to find out that they’re total assholes to the people who make their coffee or serve them dinner. So I’d like an app that could send you a transcript of your match’s last interaction with a service worker. Because it does matter whether you were rude to your waitress or huffed impatiently when the cloakroom attendant couldn’t find your jacket right away. Fuck off.
An app to reunite you with the women you meet in the bathroom at the club
How many times have you woken up after a night out with mascara on your pillow and a hazy recollection of a lovely girl in a club bathroom who let you use her lipstick and stopped you from calling your ex? And how many times have you felt that sinking feeling when you realized you’d probably never see her again? We need an app that can reconnect us with all those incredible women we met in the toilets. Let’s be honest—these are the real missed connections. Find lost friends with…Toilet Meet. Girl Toilet Friend App. Friend Toilet. Okay, we’ll have to workshop the name a little more, but I think we can all agree that the idea is solid.
An app that requires you to be sober to use it
Are you a reckless toddler in an adult’s body? Are you always making bad decisions? Should your phone be confiscated after that very first sip of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc? You need an app that totally cuts you off from using it when you’re sloshed. When you try to log on after a night out, it’ll simply ask you to list all of the Kardashians’ children from youngest to oldest. When you fail (and you will fail, because there’s loads of them) it redirects you to a menu of harmless alternatives: Play the candy game, watch a video of a Shetland pony galloping around a pasture, order a 17-inch pizza and fall asleep on the toilet before it arrives. This app would mean no more waking up and realizing you matched with a man called Dagger and arranged to get neck tattoos with him. It would mean no more sending 14 eggplant emojis at 4 A.M. and getting unmatched en masse. Bloody great stuff.
An app that shows you a video of your grandma. For some reason
Constantly swiping left and right and up and down can leave you feeling burned out. Once I matched with seven Samuels in one day. It was awful. So instead of a constant and uninterrupted stream of strangers, how about every so often this app would show you a short and reassuring clip of your beloved grandma reminding you that you’re a real catch and that any of these chumps would be lucky to date you? At first it might be a bit disconcerting to see a smiling octogenarian pop up when you’re trying to find someone to take to the bone-zone, but it would be worth it, TBH.
Beth McColl is a London-based freelance writer, advice columnist, and author, writing about mental health, sex, relationships, dating, and culture. Her first book, “How to Come Alive Again,” will be released in April 2019.
