I first remember feeling jealous, really jealous, in junior high school. There was a girl in my class—let’s call her Elana—and she had long, glossy blonde hair, a cute, turned-up nose, and a giggle that sounded like music. The boys were all in love with her. I hated her, though she’d done nothing to me, a bitter resentment rising in my chest every time I saw her skipping down the hall.
Even then, I knew the emotion I was experiencing was an ugly one: Jealously, that feeling of wanting what someone else has and begrudging them their spoils. Envy has been a constant throughout my life, rearing its nasty green head at moments of vulnerability, when I’m not at my best. When a college friend won a prestigious writing award for which I’d also applied. When a colleague got a columnist job that I thought I’d be perfect for. When someone I knew, who I believed to be less deserving, struck it rich.
Jealousy isn’t something that we, as women, like to discuss or admit to in the open (besides for on reality TV shows, I suppose, on which cast members are paid to be rivals). 'Sadly, comparison is the thief of joy, and it often does more to hold us back than spur us to new heights,' says Nicole Richardson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. 'When we experience jealousy, it can point to a longing in us; a longing to fit in, a longing to compete, a longing to measure up.' We’re told to be confident, happy for others when they succeed, content with what we’ve been given. We congratulate others to their faces while seething behind their backs. She has more money than I do. Her house is nicer than mine. She’s prettier than I am. And on. And on. While we may be ashamed of it, jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. A study by the American Psychological Association found that babies as young as six months old display jealousy, getting annoyed when their mothers paid more attention to a book or doll than to them.
'Unchecked and excessive jealousy can be destructive,' says Michelle Landeros, another licensed marriage and family therapist. 'It's important to use the insight provided by jealousy constructively and balance out our emotions with healthy strategies for self-care.' Good advice, but easier said than done, particularly in our social media saturated world. We’re constantly served up images of everything we don’t have, which can ding our self-esteem.
A few years ago, I was scrolling through Twitter, at the time the primary place for professional bragging rights. I came across a glowing review of a new novel by an acquaintance, someone I considered a peer. The book was not only critically praised, but also went on to become a bestseller. 'But she’s not even such a good writer!' I griped to a coworker, that familiar burning sensation returning to my body.
My coworker, older and wiser than I, offered some sage wisdom. 'Stop complaining and do something instead,' she said. I was taken aback. She went on, 'Do you want to write a novel?' I’d never really considered the idea before. Did I want to write a novel? I shrugged. 'Well, it seems like you might want to try,' she said.
While experts acknowledge the challenges of envy, they also point out that it can be useful tool. 'In my experience, jealousy can be a valuable indicator of what we want, and sometimes offer insight and clues into our innermost desires,' says Landeros. Over the next few days, I turned my coworker’s words over in my mind. Shortly thereafter, I opened a blank word document and wrote the first page of what would turn into my new novel, Bad Summer People. In it, a group of female frenemies tally their wins, both metaphorically and on the tennis court, comparing themselves to each other in ways that, in the end, result in someone’s untimely death. (Why not explore the theme of jealousy in a book written partly because of jealousy?) One character in particular, Rachel Woolf, is motivated almost entirely by envy. She’s the only singleton of the group and her feelings of inadequacy and misery eventually drive her to take others down with her.
Bad Summer People is out this week, and if there’s any lesson from my experience, it’s that envy can be a galvanising force. So next time you find yourself wishing your house was as big as your neighbour's, or your hair was as shiny as your friend’s, or p*ssed off that your coworker got promoted over you, don’t feel ashamed. Instead, look inward and embrace it. That feeling is generally more about you and your desires than anything else. What do you want? Investigate your own fears and wants, and act on those, instead.
Bad Summer People: The scorchingly addictive summer must-read of 2023
Bad Summer People: The scorchingly addictive summer must-read of 2023
Emma Rosenblum's debut novel Bad Summer People is out now.
